By Rob Shaul
For years I’ve pondered the question, “What is a good life?”
The statics on happiness (and a good life) are clear and consistent. The happiest old people are married, have had long careers in the same field, have lived in one place for a long time, and have children.
Perhaps the typcial American “ideal” of a good life is to work hard, bootstrap your way up, build a family as best you can while providing for them along the way, and hope you live long enough to retire and enjoy some of your labor before you die.
But … this “grind” along the way work wise can mean pure drudgery, sticking to a career you’re not passionate about, living in a place you’re lukewarm about, and perhaps “wasting” your youthful physical years stuck behind a desk so when you do get free of the work shackles, physically you just can’t do the stuff you dreamed about all those years.
Relationship-wise it can also mean sticking to a bad, or tepid, marriage/partnership and missing out on all the exciting romantic flings we see on TV.
I’ve met people at this end, who are bitter 60-70 year olds, hard to be around.
At the other end are people who simply don’t commit to a career, place, or person. They are “free” from many commitments including debt and marriage/relationship, but because they’ve never committed to anything are always living paycheck to paycheck – well into theirs 40s, 50’s, 60s.
Sometimes they have committed to a career – but it’s been a service career – bartender, mountain guide, hunting guide, ski instructor (winter), rafting guide (summer). I’ve seen a lot of this in Jackson.
These people are those who make the pages of Outside magazine – or it’s ideal – lots of outdoor adventure, many exciting, though short, flings with other hot people, exciting worldwide travel all the time. Pro-deals on all the outdoor gear, magazine photos/spreads, athlete sponsorships.
But, then turning the corner on 40, living in a Yurt or with 3 roommates, passion long gone from bartending or guiding, suddenly and silently they transition from “cool” to “sad” and desperate.
Financially, they are one knee injury away from losing a year’s worth of work.
Relationship-wise, potential partners in their age range see the financial situation and despite the good looks and stickers on the truck, see no future.
Career-wise, the industry has long since looked for new, younger, talent. So they too, end up bitter, lonely, 50 year olds despite a lifetime of incredible outdoor adventure (at least according to the magazines and youtube).
In each case, the person made their own choices – and though seeming opposite, ended up at the same place.
You may be thinking, “duh Rob,” the answer is somewhere in the middle.
Work hard, make sure your foundation (money, relationship, family, home/place) is solid, but don’t work so hard along the way that you don’t make time for adventure.
But I’m not so sure – because I’ve met people who’ve followed this path as well. And though they seem a little better than others, still regret and bitterness is there.
We’ve all heard Thoreau’s line that “most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” When I’ve heard that I always assumed Thoreau was making a judgment, and implying that it’s our life choices to avoid this common fate.
But now I’m not so sure. I wonder if this “quiet desperation” is part of the human condition – like accommodation – and though we can manage it, we can perhaps never make it go away.
It builds as we move into our 50’s and feel the constant and intensifying “wind in our face” of our coming death, combined with the accelerating pace of physical decline, and it simply makes us desperate.
For a long time I’ve sought broad “solace” in my life. “Solace” in the overall sense of peace, consolation, relieve that I’ve achieved to my potential, accepted and forgiven myself for my mistakes, built a legacy, provided for my family, and overall, simply been a good man.
This “solace” isn’t something that could be forced, or faked. I was hoping it would come with age and seasoning – relief and peace I would graduate to in the latter third of my life.
But as I look back now, I’m not sure despite all I’ve accomplished chasing it, I have more “solace” now than in my 30s – when I was treading water as hard as I could simply to survive.
I feel magical moments of solace, but never long stretches.
As a younger man I was disappointed in myself for not having accomplished the things I thought I needed to finally achieve solace. Now, almost 54, I’m disappointed in myself for having accomplished many of those things, but not feeling solace!
Perhaps …. or rather, probably, my ladder has been up against the wrong wall this entire time.
Perhaps Solace is unachievable, at least for me – so I should stop hoping it arrives.
Maybe Thoreau’s “desperation” or my own disquiet, will cause me to continue to push and work well into my 70s.
Not solace, but perhaps a continued mission, is what works for me.
I might be in the same boat.
My view is a bit different and i believe that solace is not static. Now that I’m 51, my view has changed many times. I think with each season of your life different things bring peace. In my 20’s it was all about adventure. In my 30’s it was all about my marriage, buying a house and raising a family. In my 40’s it was about achievement in work and personal life (black belt, mud races etc), in my 50’s it’s all about freedom, both time and money. Things are never perfect, but keeping a positive view and continually changing recreational hobbies as well as watching my teenager compete helps and adds a bit of excitement. For me at least, these are my moments of solace.
As a 30 year old, I think there is a few things that are missing. There is a spiritual element. The Greater power can guide us to our happiness. The answer Isn’t likely more, but more service to others and helping one another.
Such an interesting topic. I’ve taken the approach of viewing life as one large book that is filled with many different chapters. I personally believe it’s equally important to know when to close one chapter and open the next. I find the cyclic effect to work well with my lifestyle. Having focused on education and a corporate career in my 20s I saw how much adventure and challenge you can put to the side for the sake of achieving financial freedom; I never felt so stuck. Now being 33 in the military it’s a completely different chapter with a different storyline. I stay stoked knowing more chapters are ahead and are bound to be filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s life!! Thanks, Rob.
Rob, this is probably my favorite article you’ve written! My take is that you have to find the solace inside. It can’t be found through external measures, money, achieving career goals, etc…..
While those things are important and contribute to a good life. If you don’t address mental emotional issues you will still sense a feeling of lack, or that something is missing. Any way love the post I hope you find the solace you seek!!!
I had to experience the chase to realize what I was looking for, I was looking for with. Godspeed my brother
You just wrote a script to a great movie. Awesome article!
Going on 60, 26 years AF pilot, 10 years at State University, 33 years married, three kids, two grandkids. I probably fall into the first category based on these stats. You and I met at MacDill AFB in 2007/8 and I have great respect for your work and the contributions you have made in my training and in the lives of individuals and in the readiness/capability of our military.
What I have found in my search for solace is that everyone is searching for it, something inside us is missing until we find it. I think it is more than coincidence that we all have this in common, it appears we were created with this desire. Why? Could it be that this desire was placed in us by a Creator, Who created us for eternity in a relationship with Him and nothing but this relationship will give us solace? This has been my experience, and in the surrender to live not for myself but for God and His glory not myself. When I am focused on myself and the past or future things do not go well, when I am focused on God and others and the present – things are “solaced.” CS Lewis said in one of his books, Mere Christianity:
“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
“Human history is the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.”
“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”
It is a good read and a part of my search for and finding solace. Good hunting!
People talk about peace, solace, contentment, satisfaction, even quiet, stillness, etc. All of which we know almost nothing about. Why keep searching for some END goal, Makes little sense to me. Fight, kick, run, jump chase, this “thing” which we have a next to impossible time defining, and even more eluding the achievement of that thing which we cannot even seem to define. Why?
Because its spiritual. In the very nature of what IT is, must be outside ourselves. Thats why we can neither define or achieve it! Its not ours to define or achieve. Sure there are those who say, they are at peace, they are happy with their lives. Never because of what they have done, achieved, or built, always because of what has been done to them, for them, or about them.
Stop chasing something that is elusive, everchanging, temporal, and self fulfilling. Please, you wont catch it in any meaningful or lasting manner.
Enjoy the ride. Enjoy the blessing of being able to live each day. Take a really freaking deep breath. Then smile. Hell Yea. Thats solace, that is life. That breath of life.
We proport our physical training as TRAINING, not lifting, not exercising, not workouts, etc. We all want to say its training for life, its not a burden its a joy. Well if thats the case, then freakin live like it is. There is where solace lies. With the effort, with the moments of each day, whatever the day will bring.
Rip your hamstring in sprints this morning, gotta go to the doctor, cant train for two weeks. Gotta cancel that peak bag trip with your wife. Well to bad your focusing on the loses instead of. The opportunity to read a few more books, get caught up on a project at work, help your wife get some bonus cleaning done, take your grandson to school for a week. Met a nice doctor at the hospital who needed your interaction.
God gives us solace opportunities, we typically miss them while we are chasing the beautiful butterflies we see flying around in our heads. We need to use our brains in finding solutions to our souls, not the other way around.
1st Timothy 6:11
Philippians 4:11
Sorry if it comes across preachy or offends the unbelieving. Not my intent, just voicing my perspective and path to solace, contentment.