Your Friends Tell You When You’re Fuckin’ Up

By Rob Shaul, Founder

Your enemies won’t. The smart ones will stand back and let you self-destruct.

Acquaintances won’t either. They like having you around, but not enough to risk the friction honesty brings. Ask them for advice and they’ll either dodge the question or confirm what you already want to do. They don’t care enough to intervene.

But true friends? They’ll speak up — even if you didn’t ask. Especially if you didn’t ask. That kind of truth-telling takes both courage and care.

We’re all righteous about our decisions and defensive when questioned. So we build thick emotional walls that friends have to break through to deliver hard truths. And breaking through can get bloody. The person on the receiving end will likely lash out.

Both people in that moment need self-awareness.

The Friend Delivering the Message

The friend giving the advice must speak directly, but with love and without ego. They must say and mean this: “My advice is free. It won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t take it. It won’t change our relationship.”

If the advice isn’t taken, the true friend must never circle back later with an “I told you so” message. This is poison. The job is support, not judgment. If it’s a big mistake, the friend will need your support.

Say it once clearly and without judgment. Don’t bring it up again unless asked. You don’t need to repeat yourself. If the message wasn’t acted upon, that’s a boundary. Crossing it again just shows you’re not listening.

Check your ego. Make sure the urge to step in is about care, not about “being right.” If you get an emotional charge from judgment or superiority, not genuine concern, keep it to yourself.

There’s never a perfect moment to deliver a hard truth, so don’t wait for one. But be ready to absorb the fallout — anger, distance — and stay in the friendship regardless. You’re delivering the message for them, not for you.

The Friend Receiving It

The friend fuckin’ up must appreciate the courage and caring the friend delivering it is demonstrating. But rarely does this happen initially.

Your instinct will be to be offended, as we all are when we are told something we don’t want to hear. Chances are that in the moment you’ll defensively strike back with “it’s none of your business” or quietly listen then commit to ending the friendship moving forward because you feel you’re being judged.

In-the-moment reaction isn’t as important as consideration and reflection afterward. Criticism and contrary thought are gifts for us to use to improve. When it comes from a friend, this is especially true. Try to separate the message from the courage it took for the friend to deliver it, and appreciate that. Then later come back to fully consider and reflect on the message when it isn’t so raw.

You don’t have to take the advice or agree with the message, but you must consider it. Delivering a hard truth is a high-integrity, high-courage move. Acknowledge your friend, appreciate him, ensure them the message was received and considered, and thank them for delivering it.

This stuff is hard.

But how many times on the way to fuckin’ up do you wish someone had spoken up?

And how many times did you see someone you cared about making a mistake but you held your tongue?